I just got back from my walk on which I listened to a
podcast about postpartum depression. I
don’t want to feel sad, but I wish I could redo having my babies. I would do it again, having more information
and more determination to stand up for myself and fight for myself.
I had three
pregnancies. I went to the doctor for
the first one because of all of the nausea.
I was sick for 30 weeks. I was
just told that some people feel that way.
But there is medication for nausea, and if I would’ve felt well, I could’ve
handled everything better. When I was
pregnant with Peter and Creegan, especially Creegan, I went to the dr with
lower back pain that was unbearable. I
couldn’t walk. I was told that maybe it
would get better as the pregnancy progressed.
It didn’t. I could’ve tried a chiropractor. I shouldn’t have had to live with that. It was awful.
And that pain alone makes me never want to be pregnant again cuz I had
it with every pregnancy and it got worse and started sooner with each one. I had depression during my pregnancy with
Creegan. I knew it, and I never
mentioned it to a doctor. It got better
within a week after he was born, but it was bad while I was pregnant. Nights were so scary. I didn’t feel like Melanie at all. I shouldn’t have had to feel that way.
Then, the time after my babies were born was awful. I remember being scared to death when Ben
would leave the house for school when Eddie was a baby. Like practically having a panic attack
scared. And I would just hold on until
he got home. I had anxiety, and I didn’t
know that what I felt wasn’t normal. And
I was so alone. (We had just moved to
Atlanta from Utah, and I had no family and no friends, and Ben was super busy
with his graduate program.)
On top of the medical problems I had, I had cultural/belief
issues that really made everything worse.
I truly thought that somehow babies were better off if it was their
mother taking care of them, not just in general, but every single moment. So, Ben only helped with Eddie about ten
minutes a day while I took a shower. Period. I remember one night when I was so exhausted,
it was like 1 a.m. I lost it and was
bawling. I gave Eddie to Ben so I could
sleep. I laid in bed feeling guilty for
abandoning my baby (abandoning him! To his own father!). I don’t think I ever fell asleep. I just calmed down and went right back to
work. When Peter was born, Ben began
taking care of Eddie, and I took care of Peter the exact same way I had taken
care of Eddie. (which actually made it
impossible for Ben to bond with Peter, which is a whole different sad
story) By the time Creegan was born, I
finally was aware that I was beyond my capacity to care for children by myself,
so Ben helped a lot with Creegan as a baby as well as with Eddie and
Peter. It was a much better experience
for everyone.
Another detrimental thought process I had was that, as a
good mother, I should always put my needs secondary to my kids’ needs. This is a dangerous belief to have because
you can’t really take care of someone else well if you aren’t well. But I thought that’s what Heavenly Father
wanted from me. Every time I somewhat
failed at this, I would offer prayers seeking forgiveness, and I truly felt
guilty. I really thought I had
disappointed God in caring for his children he gave me. Something that was really helpful for me was
realizing and believing that I am Heavenly Father’s child as much as my
children are. That he loves me as much
as he loves them. And that he wants me
to be happy and well as much as he wants them to be happy and well.
The most detrimental belief I had was that I was alone at
failing as a mother, that all the other new moms were doing okay. Why did I think this? Because every time I saw other moms, they
looked put together and happy. Every freaking
blog I read was full of sappy, crappy happy-to-be- a-mom stuff. (Thank goodness
FB wasn’t the thing yet!) So I thought I was alone. Why can everyone else do this but me?, was my
constant thought. I am so sad for that
Melanie. She felt like such a failure at the thing she
thought was most important and she was supposed to be great at
(personality-wise and church emphasis-wise).
No one can take care of a baby alone. Maybe the nuclear family just isn’t the best
model. It leaves you with so much
responsibility and so little support.
And really so little knowledge of what’s normal and what’s not. Maybe having one parent be the financial
support and one parent be the emotional support isn’t the best model for a
family because both parents are overwhelmed in their role and don’t have anyone
that understands or can relate. You
definitely can’t relate to each other. Maybe
if we shared these responsibilities we would feel more supported and less
solely responsible for something that seems out of our grasp. Less pressure, more love.
I wish I could tell all new moms out there all of this so
they don’t get surprised when the experience isn’t at all what they
expected. Educate them, establish
normative feelings and behaviors. But
maybe we all have to learn it alone.
When my children become parents, if I live close enough, I
want to go to their houses once a week with a nice dinner, then clean for them,
then take the baby that night so they can sleep. If not, I can pay for them to have meals and
a maid once a week. And a
babysitter. Cuz, really, no one should
be doing this alone.
