As of Friday, I was dilated to a two. I am 80-90% effaced. My cervix is very soft. The nurse practitioner hypothesized that I may have a week left before this baby is born. She said the only reason she wouldn't say sooner is because my cervix is still up pretty high. I lost my mucous plug on Saturday. Usually, that happens within days of birth, but sometimes it happens a week or two before. Of course, all of these signs that Edison will be born soon are arbitrary. He could be here any second, or he could hold out a lot longer. I kind of expect him soon. I would be very surprised if I am still pregnant a week from today, but that probably doesn't mean anything. I am having a lot of contractions, but nothing regular. I used to really want to finish the school year (last day is this Friday, June 30). Even though that would be easiest, I don't really care anymore. I am very eager to have my son. It is hard to focus on anything else right now. I don't feel as very anxious anymore. I just feel set on having him. Whatever it takes to get him here and whatever it takes to take care of him once he is here, I will do it. I can do it.
I am feeling so much anxiety about becoming a mom! Our last doctor's appointment was on Friday. Our doctor confirmed my suspicion that little Edison had dropped over a week ago. For first time moms, usually the baby is born two to three weeks after he drops, which means that he could be born as early as this Friday (June 23) and as late as next Friday (June 30). He isn't due until July 13. And I am trying not to hold my breath, but it is impossible! Having a baby is the biggest thing I have ever done, and it could happen as early as ten minutes from now and as late as four weeks from now! How do I deal with that?!?!? I am scared of labor and delivery. I am scared of bringing him home from the hospital and being solely in charge of him. I am overwhelmed by how much my life will change. No longer will my actions be based on what I want to do. Little Eddie will dictate when I am awake and asleep. When I go places. When I use the bathroom, even. How does one make sense of this? If I just knew when, I think I could handle the anxiety better!
Good news, though. We aren't being forced into a c-section. Our doc said that a big head does not necessitate a c-section. In fact, she said a bigger head is better than a bigger body. She was really pleased to discover how low he is. She said that if he already made it through the first tight spot, he has a better chance of making it all the way out. We will be having another ultrasound on Thursday to monitor his head size.
Well, if you read Ben's blog, you knowthat our house flooded Thursday night. We have the upstairs neighbor's philosophy that their garbage disposal is their garbage can to thank for the disaster. As far as calamaties go, we were lucky that our possessions did not get ruined. A fair amount of my nonmaternity wardrobe got soaked. A good washing, however, has left them seeming as good as new. It could have been much worse. The apartment managers have been fast to respond to the problems, thankfully. The biggest disappointment has been the ruined carpet stench. Our house has not been livable. It is frustrating to live out of a suitcase when you aren't on vacation. We go back and forth each day with the hope that we can actually start living at our house again. We did spend last night here. The carpet cleaners had successfully masked the odor for a few hours. We thought things were permanently better until it was bedtime, when the reek came back as bad as ever. We were too tired to leave at that point. I went to bed crying (being 36 weeks pregnant may have affected my ability to regulate my emotions). This morning things don't seem as rancid as they did last night. We will see how it is when we return later today.
It is interesting to note that the smell was one thing that initially attracted us to this place. There was a very welcoming vanilla-like smell. It lasted for the first two or three months at least. Now I am convinced that was just a mask to hide some serious problems. I just wish I knew what they used to make it smell so good for so long.
Ben and I went on our first date seven years ago from yesterday, June 5. We worked in the same cubicle for a little over a month before we went out. We spent forty hours a week together. Then one day he said we should do something sometime. I responded with some comment that indicated that I had been thinking that. I found out later that my response made him happy.
He was so sweet. He knew a genre of music I liked at the time, so he found a local concert happening the night we had planned to go out. I met him there. He lived downtown, which was where the concert was. I lived almost a half an hour away. I felt guilty letting him pick me up and waste two hours total getting me, getting us there, getting me home, and going home himself. Later on I found out that I had hurt his feelings. He assumed I didn't want him to pick me up because I was embarrassed of him (typical negative thinking). I still feel sad that he had to feel that way-that I couldn't comfort him because I didn't know.
The concert was awful! He was embarrassed because he chose it. I was embarrassed because I didn't want him to think I liked music that sounded like that. We left a little early and ended up driving around. He had offered dinner or dessert, but I wasn't hungry.
We drove and talked for hours. I had never been so comfortable on a date. Conversation had never flowed so easily or been so enjoyable. We never once turned on the radio. I remember thinking how neat it was that we didn't need music in order to avoid awkward silences. One of our favorite things to do to this day is go on drives. We still rarely have music on when we are in the car together. It is not that we don't enjoy music. We just find we talk less with music on. And we love to talk to each other!
Even though we spent a substantial amount of time talking at work before this night, I learned a lot about Ben on this date. I learned that family, meaning wife and children, were his number one priority. I remember feeling jealous of his future wife. I knew she would be so loved and taken care of. I thought she was so lucky! It never once crossed my mind that night that it would, or even could, be me!
Seven years later, here I am, Ben's wife. We are about to have our first child. I could not be happier or consider myself more blessed. I don't know how I got lucky enough to be Ben's wife! But I am thankful for it!
Today we got another ultrasound. The doctor requested it because she wasn't sure he was in the right position for birth. His position is fine, though. We got to see him in 3-D! He is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. His flat forehead and long eyes look like Ben. His little, round nose and slightly curved chin look like me. I can't believe he is ours. I can't stop looking at him. His head is huge! It is in the 99.8 percentile! According to his measurements, he currently weighs five pounds eight ounces. I wonder when he will be here! The next several weeks are going to drag...
Ben proposed to me with a song he wrote about making a beautiful life together. My life is more beautiful than I ever imagined it could be. This blog is a record of our beautiful children, Edison, Peter, and Creegan. Their growth, accomplishments, and personalities. "It's a beautiful life. We've made a beautiful life. We'll make a beautiful life."